Brand New Things

Nights are getting rough… and I’m not really sure why. Why is all of this being really heavily triggered. Why is my feeling of isolation so strong? Why does my heart feel so heavy? What the fuck is going on that I feel so damn depressed?

This is bugging the ever-living piss out of me. I don’t really have any reason to be unhappy… OK, 2/3s of my relationships are perfectly happy and stable. Yet, I’m mentally stuck on the one that isn’t. But that’s just part of it, isn’t it? It’s not everything. But it’s a huge part.

I also feel like I’m being socially ignored. This part really kind of stings. I’m not sure how best to conquer that. Well… maybe. Or maybe it’s more that I’m afraid that I’m going to be seen as being too needy. Because I want to try to be more social. I don’t know… maybe that just sounds silly. And a huge part of me is still feeling pretty rocked because of being told that a partner who I trusted didn’t have time for me.

I know I need to get past this… I can’t. I’m going to see a therapist to work on this, but I have to wait. I have to wait until he gets back. Except I don’t know if I can wait two weeks.

Then there’s something bigger coming up. Looming ever closer is going to the school where I was raped. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is partially contributing to my current case of the blahs. I’m still scared. The closer it gets, the more I feel scared. And that sucks. It sucks hard.

I strongly dislike this feeling of being utterly alone. And while I consciously know that I’m not. That I have people who want to help me along.

And then there’s still this weird feeling that things are just getting started… and not necessarily in a negative way. That more good is coming. Frankly, it’s about time for it. I want a time where I can enjoy my partners and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about how I’m feeling. This is what I’m looking forward to. I know that it’s going to be a trudge to get back there. I know that.

I also know I can do it. I fought through my rape on my own. I fought through years of abuse. I can do this. I know I’m not too weak to do it. But I grow tired. Yet, I still have the resolve to kill things with fire.

These are interesting times that I live in. I still haven’t figured out if it’s Chinese curse worthy.