There are things that happen in life that can be… overwhelming. There are some things that feel like a steamroller has run over me, taking it all out of me. My life feels like it’s stuck in two worlds… which is interesting. While I consciously know that I’m in a pretty good place in my life. It’s not foolproof, but I have two wonderful partners, an awesome part-time job. I’m covering the San Francisco International Film Festival without having applied for it. I’m no longer stuck in abusive places… yet, thanks to a series of unfortunate events, I feel like I’m stuck between two worlds.
How is that possible?
Well, I went to see a movie that was described at the opening to be “a Victorian chamber drama”. While I can’t go into great detail, I can talk about the things that I responded to. Largely, it was the verbal abuse. I’ve had family and partners who have told me that I’m fat and a whore. I’ve had partners who were intentionally cold. I’ve had partners who have had sex with me to finish and tell me, “Well, that did nothing for me.”
So, I’ve been greatly devalued for 25 years of my life. I’ve been constantly made to feel like something is wrong with me. That I’m not good enough or deserving enough of love.
Seeing anything that smacks of that from partners and family… it can be quite jarring. Or rather, I would say that it’s triggering.
This time, my response is that I live in this layered world right now. While I’m consciously aware of all the good things that I have in my life right now… There’s another layer to it. It feels like I have a constant flashback. I’m with my family and with ex partners, and all I can see is how love in my life, for 25 years, has been wholly conditional.
I never really knew what unconditional love was supposed to feel like. There are many times, even to this day where I’m still not sure what it means to have someone love me unconditionally.
More difficult for me is that I feel like I’m enough of anything for anyone. I have been repeatedly told and made to feel that I was never enough for anyone. That I was too broken for anyone. That I was too fat, or ugly, or stupid, or… any number of things.
And I often feel that people’s love has strings attached because for so many years and from so many people…
The concept of unconditional love has always been so one-sided for me. It’s a huge fear of mine that no one will ever love me like I love them… that I can be accepted for all the really shitty things that have made me the wreck of a human that I am today.
That’s something that’s going to take time and many words… and actions to show me that I’m not alone on being able to love someone else freely and that there are no strings attached for my love. This issue has been so insidious in my life. I’ve even had friends who done it, ex partners, family…
It’s hard to handle it sometimes, and I’m at the point where it’s hard for me to handle… it’s become such an issue that I’m still in a world of constant flashbacks.
All I can do now, is hope and pray that somehow, some way, that I can be taught that I’m as equally deserving of what I give.