In the Midst of It

I’ve often written about the fact that I get sick from gluten. I generally do this in retrospect. I rarely write when I’m going through it because it’s hard for me to think straight. It’s more like my brain is sludging through molasses. I’m never sure if I’m saying what I mean to say.

Well, I’m elbow-deep in the middle of gluten sickness this time. I’m writing this largely so I can try to understand what it is that I go through.

When I say sickness, it’s not just nausea. I think I could tolerate this if it were just nausea. After all, I dealt with constant nausea for 30+ years. I can also deal with the physical aches. I can deal with the constant sweating like a drug addict looking for a fix, even if it does make me look like I’m going through premature menopause. I could even deal with the constant feeling tired.

What really starts getting me is how my brain feels. It really feels like my brain is slow and pokey. More recently my brain has not felt like it was even attached to my body. For a while I couldn’t really think of the best way to describe what it’s like. I can’t really to say it’s like being nicely buzzed minus the pain killing, because this doesn’t quite feel like when I’m drunk.

Then as we were walking through the grocery store, someone mentioned grass. My partner made the joke, “Grass, pot, close enough.”

And it clicked. I have felt this way before. My brain felt exactly like this after I smoke pot. I feel quite dopey. It’s a familiar disembodied feeling that I don’t much care for. It’s just like pot brain, minus the painkilling, appetite and the ability to sleep for hours.

Really, I’m pretty much done with being this sick. This is hard. It’s hard on my psyche. It effects my emotions as well. It starts to depress me… a lot.

I can also go on about the joint aches that goes with the muscle aches.

But really, it how much it impairs my brain that is the worst for me personally. I like having my mental acuity. When I’m sick like that, I feel like I’m just not functioning like I usually do. I’m not working to the full potential of my brain.

That’s really the hardest part of all.

And that’s something I need to remind myself. I need to remind myself that my body is fighting all it can from something that acts like a poison in my body. Something that’s so begin that most people can eat it.

I know I can get past this. I’m more looking forward to working with a doctor who wants to help me support a healthy life. I’m hoping that I’ve finally obtained that goal, because frankly, this situation sucks.