Life’s been… interesting. I wish I could say that it wasn’t Chinese curse interesting, but I’m not entirely sure it has been. More than anything, I’ve spent more time in my head. That can be a good thing. I’m not sure it has been.
More than anything, I’ve been wallowing. Of course, that’s bad. I’ve focused more on the negative lately. It’s something I have to break out of, but I’m not entirely sure how to do so. When it feels like there’s been no real positive change, it’s hard to think positively about things.
I’ve been looking for a job for some time. I keep putting out resumes. I’ll even get interviews. I’ll be told that I’m at the top of the list… and not get hired. I’ve had that happen more times than I can count in interviews. It’s gotten to the point that even if I have a good interview I no longer think I have a chance of getting the job. I wouldn’t think that if it were once or twice. But it’s been every… single… interview. It get tedious and ultimately defeating.
I’ve also been thinking poorly about myself in general. I think this is because of multi-fold reasons. I’m still mentally processing abuse from an ex who I was with for 3 years and did nothing to make me feel good about myself. He constantly made me feel bad about myself. Now I get the logic behind it. It still makes him a dick. If I make someone feel awful about themselves, they won’t leave. That’s pretty assholish logic. It also is the same thing I dealt with from my step-dad. It’s a lot of work to untangle the web so I can be free of it. I find myself having to check and recheck my responses to make sure that I’m not reacting to something else.
I’m also afraid. I’m afraid to move forward with my career. I don’t want people to tell me that I’m a failure as a writer. It’s something that I love and enjoy. Being told that you suck at it is hard. I’m putting myself out there. I also have to do something that I really don’t like doing… I have to approach and talk to strangers. This scares me more than anything. I’ve been shy since I was a little kid. So, I also have to break something that’s been a part of me for… well… as long as I can remember.
It’s a lot to try to reckon with. I’m working on it… and it’s going to be a work in process. I hope that I get somewhere better by mid-July and I need to start and work on networking at Comic Con. All I can do is work it on out. It’ll be hard, but it’s what needs to be done.