As I think back through my childhood I can’t think of a time where I felt like a kid. It’s almost like I went from being a baby into being a little adult. I can’t think of a time where I got to be innocent.
There are a couple of factors to this that make this the case. OK, not just a couple… lets just say a few.
I think, to a certain degree, part of that experience has colored my experience with… well, virtually everything.
I tend to be harder on myself. However, that is a by-product of PTSD and abuse. Those who were abused have a tendency to be harder on themselves. And, let me tell you, it is not fun.
It might be part of why I’m so hyper-critical of not just my appearance and weight, but just with myself in general. I don’t allow myself the personal freedom I should. It’s probably why I’m still at the same level of shy, if not greater than I was when I was a child. Most children who are shy often learn how to overcome it be better in social settings than I feel that I am.
At the same time, I think that it’s also lends itself to my humility. I don’t feel that I am the be all and end all. And that’s really a double-edged sword when you’re a writer. It means that I’m more open to criticism, but I’m not great at self-promotion.
I always say, “I would like to think that I’m a good writer. I don’t know that I am, but I like to think that.”
And that’s something I think that I need to learn to change. I like being able to take criticism on board and think if it’s a good change or a bad change. But I’m never going to make it as a writer, particularly a writer in the film industry. You have to stand out in front of millions of other would be writers. Even if you are one of the best writers in the world, but you don’t have the ego, as it were, you’re not going to get noticed.
This is going to be hard. Being able to think that I’m better than I think I am. I know they say fake until you make it, but that just doesn’t work for me. So, it’s going to be a lot of work to figure out how best to balance who I am with how I need to present myself.
I want to write more than anything. So, I’m going to figure it out.