There’s something to be said for being on the outside looking in. You see things in ways that most people don’t. You can see what needs to be different and change… and possible help institute change.
And than there’s being the black sheep.
It’s the constant feeling of being outside where no listens or even cares. Being shoved aside for something else. This is the feeling I’ve been struggling with for… well, about as long as I’ve been alive.
I wish I could say that the feeling of being a black sheep was just limited to one or two places. To be honest, it’s not.
I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I still feel that way. In a lot of ways it explains why there are certain things that I dislike. I hate being there to be tossed aside for someone else when they become available. I’m so adamant about it that I’ll take myself out of the equation the second that happens.
Sounds like something that would happen in high school, right?
I wish that were the case.
It happens with my family. It’s happened with romantic relationships. It happens with my friends.
I do get a bit angsty about it (using the German meaning of the word Angst). And I think for good reason. People should be able to maintain multiple relationships (any form of relationship as an adult). Or maybe that’s where I’m wrong. Maybe there’s a finite amount of attention that anyone can give their friends. I don’t know.
This is something that I’ve been struggling with as of late, feeling that I’m being pushed aside for someone else. Now, granted, this is my feeling and it’s something that I have to do something about. At the same time, I guess I need people to show me that I’m never being pushed aside and minimalized. I realize that that might be asking too much. Maybe it’ll start showing on it’s own. Who knows.
I think that I’ve just grown weary of being that person that feels like they’re only needed temporarily.